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I love Jeanette Winterson

Mar. 16th, 2011 | 03:53 pm

"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. It is not a hobby. Those who do it must do it. Those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind."

"While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close."

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In between days

Jan. 4th, 2011 | 10:49 am

Well I am officially on a plane leaving for my adventure in 13 days. Everything now in between then simply feels like filler time waiting. I am so excited to get away from work to be honest. I love what I do, but I am getting burnt out and exhausted from "giving it my all" to get in with the government. I have absolute confidence in myself and my work, and as much as I love to be in this free spirit mode I am feeling tired of the constant expectation to be available last minute of every minute of every day.

I got a new camera for Christmas, a small point and shoot, and it makes me very happy to take some shots of a new country.

I was talking to a co-worker, asking him why he works so much (and in effect, asking myself) and he says "sometimes we work so much to fill a void in our lives". smart man.

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I'm upset with the mess that is America

Nov. 9th, 2010 | 12:01 pm

She is a Polish girl in America
Tall, tanned hot blonde called Ania
I asked her ‘Why would you wanna be a hollywood wife?’
“Because I don’t want to end up living in a dive on Vine...a dive on Vine"

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my anger

Apr. 6th, 2010 | 11:01 am

my anger resides from the can of beans that i am forced to carry around today. from the fact that i don't want to do this work anymore, and yet i am. very very very very angry.

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last few days

Mar. 22nd, 2010 | 02:10 pm

of this rollercoaster have been fun.

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my truth.

Feb. 22nd, 2010 | 08:55 pm

“Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness.” (Dhammapada, v. 233)

"Buddhism teaches mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves is part of that. When an unpleasant emotion or thought arises, do not suppress it, run away from it, or deny it. Instead, observe it and fully acknowledge it. Being deeply honest with yourself about yourself is essential to Buddhism."

Escaping is nice. Pleasant? Yup.

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i wouldn't like me if i met me.

Jan. 20th, 2010 | 09:41 pm

Mid-January already. School is kicking my ass. I'm so exhausted when I get home every night that i just want to recluse and never leave my house. thankfully i have the barn which is really the only thing that motivates me to leave the comfort of my home. i did work tonight for the first time in a couple weeks and it was actually nice to be with kids again. it is strange that i would call a youth 9 years my junior, but they really are. i can't believe how long ago that feels, but i still remember being that naive.
Going to work at HH this weekend and i am looking forward to that as well. on the plus side, i really need the money too so i am glad i picked up about 30 hours this month and next. won't even make a dent in my bill, but such is life?
also realized, now that it is getting this close to graduation, that i really do not want to work and get into the "real world". thinking more and more about simply living at home (or rent free?) and working at vickies perhaps 4 days a week. i really enjoy it and it would allow me to keep a horse indoors and continue training. rory is doing extremely well and it would appear that we are both enjoying our rides much more than before the new year. Of course, this means keeping him. This is such a hard choice and i am actually repressing the feeling and numbing it at the moment. i know i'm jumping ahead because she hasn't tried him yet, she hasn't said anything about putting money down, and finally he hasn't even passed a vet check. but on the other hand, what can i do but think of the worst. Breeding is not for the faint of heart. I love them all that the thought that i can't see them is terifying me.
but, i do feel comforted and i do feel supported. i just need to learn to be more rational, slash, realistic. would this make you happy, my unhappiness?
alas, real life approaches. and we're both scared. we all have to grow up.

Don't say that Wendy.

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maybe you would have been something i'd be good at

Jan. 12th, 2010 | 09:34 pm

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12 hours away?

Dec. 29th, 2009 | 08:43 pm

Leaving to the Dominican in the morning.
I <3 you. Sorry I'm so insane. And irrational.

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work

Dec. 19th, 2009 | 01:22 am

Working at Vickies is incredibly intense, but fun, at the same time? It's like the positive stress that you live in, take pleasure in. I am sore as hell the next day, but still good?
Rory has been going incredibly well the last couple days. It's like something clicked with us. Maybe its a good thing that I see him more and interact with him on levels other than riding. It's like when we were longing back at Kyla's, except now it is much closer and he is smart enough to try and get my number every time. But all the ground work has helped and the rides are becoming much more enjoyable. we are very close to breaking through at the trot, but the walk is 100 times better than six weeks ago (we are actually connecting!) and the canter is nearly there, just need to think seat-seat-seat. lol. And rides on Grace are joy! she is so fun, but she is also a little lazy chestnut slightly chubby girl. hehe. And rory's girlfriend Sid is quite cute. Over all, the four outdoor horses are quite funny together.
I love my barn. The horses all feel like one big family, along with the riders. It's really nice and I've really missed that since Colchester. It's hard to find that kind of barn with really good energy.
Real work on the other hand is exhausting me mentally and emotionally. Which is worse, physically or mental? Money or Happiness? I want both!

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