Comfort me with Cabernet

So much right now is crazy, yet at the same time a side of me wants belonging. to someone else experiencing this misery, to someone else who perchance would understand?
this accumulation of things pushes me further and further into some sort of created oblivion.
wyndi is in the hospital. i want to do everything i can to make her better. her suffering becomes mirrored and that is when i realize how much money doesn't matter.
i am busting my ass off to the point where i have little left for friends, family and work. i want this though, right? i think also it is at a point where so much is too far gone for me to even fathom walking away. that goes for all commitments, all responsibilities. heaven forbid, you'll end up alone? although that does seem nice.
fly away.
drive away.
be free.
but wait for tommorow.

An open letter of apology.
Tonight, I will go to bed alone.

Driving gives me lots of time to think. Think about what I want, and what you want. While we both want the same things, I have been unfair to you and lying to both of us. I feel as if the ability for me to love again is broken. I love you, I love the idea of you. I love the way you make me feel. But undermining it all, is my resentment. I resent you for trying. For trying to get through, and then giving me signals that shatter any sort of confidence and trust. At the same time, I can feel the beginning of the end and a part of me has admitted to this fate. I am starting to feel reoccuring patterns, and ultimately if I am left alone again, I will blame myself further.

At the same time, I can feel distance between us that we are both pushing for. I haven't given you anything to hold on to and that leaves me even more angry at myself. I think to the extent that our fighting has left us doesn't leave much to go forward with, as any sort of trust that we had, I have rendered it even less standing. Change is a hugely difficult task. Change in fall is an even more inconceivable task.

But where do I go from here?

Okay, who was the genious who combined Akon and David Guetta.

Best.

What does "buckkkkkk" mean?
Actually, in effect, nothing.
I can't get too deep into youth culture. Except that I definitely no longer belong in it.

Owning a horse = happiness.
Owning two horses = poverty.
Owning three horses = insanity.
Owning more horses = dire poverty, absolute insanity and utter bliss...

"There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.” - Jeanette Winterson.

I struggle with opposing thoughts. Silence when hopeful ears stridently search for a noise. Any noise. Holes in thoughts leave you with incoherent messages from an intangible crevice.
What do we do now? Where do we go from here?
It's been so long since I've sat and thought about this. Seems like days are much simpler when no questions are asked. When someone asks you to define something, define this, it leaves you with a complex bigger than the one you left yesterday;
Some time I will have an answer.
My death sentence, however, leaves no questions, no answers, no desires. Unruly chaos seems to be the vogue i seek, never happy. never pleased.
you still in?

Viva Las Vegas?
I think so!

Wooo I will be photoshopping for life!!
Also decided tonight that I do not want to be doing human photography - definitely sticking to horses and pets!! Humans are so hard to ease infront of the camera.
Had lots of fun, though I must say geologists are a strange type of humanity.
Kelsey, congratulations again. So proud of you. <3

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." - C.S. Lewis

I'm going to be fully honest with myself.
In developing self-awareness, we can begin to see the difference between our wants and our needs. I need you. I want to be happy. I want to be desired. I want to feel passionate again. I don't want the world to know me. At the end of the day, how I feel about myself and the people closest to me are what is most important.

I still love him. I'll never stop loving him. Unfortunately empathy and compassion have replaced most of my prior feelings of desire. How can I not feel that for someone who had half my heart, half my life? Someone who oversaw my growth with acceptance and kindness, and most of all with patience, despite those tumulteous times.

What do you say, when they say that everything happens for a reason? Do you snicker, mumble under your breath. How would anyone know? I guess if one doesn't keep going, keep fighting, they won't ever find out. My misery, at its highest, provided me with daily reminders of how different I am from the world. To have someone by my side, who can see me past that, is a strange sensation I am still getting used to. But maybe there are happy endings?

just letting you know, this is harder than you think.
stubborness doesn't get you very far, neither does overzealousness. at the same time, the rubber band theory is just about as exhausting as a meal at the olive garden.


my life is as exciting as yours.

Right livelihood means that work should not only provide a living but also develop selfhood, foster companionship and nourish the earth. If a business makes money but alienates its members from one another, from themselves and from nature, it is a livelihood - but it is not a right livelihood. - Mark Gerzon

studying some eastern philosophies, and i'm very much enjoying it. ;)

new friends from english make me happy. youth care makes me happy. sara and her big butt make me happy. driving audi's make me happy, not so much when other's receive that privilege (ho hum!). horses, horses, horses. my screaming bird and his constant messes, only when followed by scratches behind the orange cheeks. the smell of new leather waiting to be used. youth, when fleeting nights meet careless mornings. free coffee on the way from the lrt. edmonton, only in the summer. balconies, and patio's. wine, wine, and fancy dinner. pleasure in the mind, when accompanied by expressions only the other understands. my mom, and her clean car. her relentless desire for my happiness, at whatever cost. ela's seeming innocence, beauty, art. self-acceptance (underlined!). the smell of baking banana bread. freedom from winter clothing. freedom from suffering. bliss.

tell yourself to let go off whatever hesitancies you are holding. tell yourself to let go off the what if's and the what then's, and just live in the moment. whatever silence you portray to the world only becomes louder with each beating moment. you are you, are you not?

I have a proposal. We live together. Seperately.
arm candy as necessary. ;)

I am going to utilyze the productive power of cognitive behavioural theory, or CBT for those of you in the know, and try to change my thinking errors. I realize I do enough counselling for others using this theory, that I should try and apply the principles to myself.
SO! This means my posts will try to be a little bit more upbeat. good? great!
Starting with yesterday. I went to bed at 8:30pm and woke up incredibly refreshed at 7:30am. Perhaps that means I need more sleep in the day in order to feel good, you are thinking.
No! Even better! After EAS201, I went to the gym with Sara and ran for 30 minutes. How wonderful, you think, endorphins is what Anna needs!
Well, it does get even better. After my second class of the day, I get to go home, and do nothing, till I eventually go tanning (Vitamin D! fab!), and then to work to make $200 by tommorow morning (money = commodity!).
You must wonder then, how is Anna ever down? Beats me!

when i think of you.
I do smile.

I miss driving to Red Deer and back for coffee.

I miss youth. I don't like commitments, besides my horses. ;)

"Art suffers the moment other people start paying for it. The more you need the money, the more people will tell you what to do. The less control you will have. The more bullshit you will have to swallow. The less joy it will bring. Know this and plan accordingly." - Hugh Macleod

Wednesday night and I am trying to provoke intelligence, and falling largely short of attainment. Tommorow is Thursday and a part of me has drifted into such passiveness, such mode of survival, that tommorow could be any day and I could give you a general idea of what it would look like. feigned happiness, unfulfilled desires, and misery within the seemingly normal body my self resides in.
it's interesting to note that while i do not choose to live this way, somehow this feeling cannot be shaken from me. a large part of me will continuosly always live in doubt, in search of a longing that inevitably will never again be met.
what is a subject position? my position in this very moment, this very second. in short, i am a girl, although 24 years in age who is a student, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece. therefore, because all of the above speak of relationships to another human, does that not mean we are all interconnected? and as humans, interconnectivity binds society. essentially, no matter how deep we fall, how high we climb, or how far off our personal islands drift, we cannot escape each other. moreover, trying to do so only furthers the notion of individualism, the sole destroyer of any high culture. and if i'm feeling this way, is someone else as well?

hmm, i do feel slightly better.