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hermitting/again

Dec. 5th, 2009 | 07:53 pm

So much right now is crazy, yet at the same time a side of me wants belonging. to someone else experiencing this misery, to someone else who perchance would understand?
this accumulation of things pushes me further and further into some sort of created oblivion.
wyndi is in the hospital. i want to do everything i can to make her better. her suffering becomes mirrored and that is when i realize how much money doesn't matter.
i am busting my ass off to the point where i have little left for friends, family and work. i want this though, right? i think also it is at a point where so much is too far gone for me to even fathom walking away. that goes for all commitments, all responsibilities. heaven forbid, you'll end up alone? although that does seem nice.
fly away.
drive away.
be free.
but wait for tommorow.

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teext.

Nov. 15th, 2009 | 08:41 pm

An open letter of apology.
Tonight, I will go to bed alone.

Driving gives me lots of time to think. Think about what I want, and what you want. While we both want the same things, I have been unfair to you and lying to both of us. I feel as if the ability for me to love again is broken. I love you, I love the idea of you. I love the way you make me feel. But undermining it all, is my resentment. I resent you for trying. For trying to get through, and then giving me signals that shatter any sort of confidence and trust. At the same time, I can feel the beginning of the end and a part of me has admitted to this fate. I am starting to feel reoccuring patterns, and ultimately if I am left alone again, I will blame myself further.

At the same time, I can feel distance between us that we are both pushing for. I haven't given you anything to hold on to and that leaves me even more angry at myself. I think to the extent that our fighting has left us doesn't leave much to go forward with, as any sort of trust that we had, I have rendered it even less standing. Change is a hugely difficult task. Change in fall is an even more inconceivable task.

But where do I go from here?

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ha!

Sep. 19th, 2009 | 08:18 pm

Okay, who was the genious who combined Akon and David Guetta.

Best.

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ahem.

Sep. 3rd, 2009 | 08:51 pm

What does "buckkkkkk" mean?
Actually, in effect, nothing.
I can't get too deep into youth culture. Except that I definitely no longer belong in it.

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For you.

Aug. 13th, 2009 | 12:14 am

Owning a horse = happiness.
Owning two horses = poverty.
Owning three horses = insanity.
Owning more horses = dire poverty, absolute insanity and utter bliss...

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then by all means.

Jun. 9th, 2009 | 11:02 pm

"There is a French proverb: To live happy, live hidden."


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Focus.

May. 12th, 2009 | 10:33 pm

"There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.” - Jeanette Winterson.

I struggle with opposing thoughts. Silence when hopeful ears stridently search for a noise. Any noise. Holes in thoughts leave you with incoherent messages from an intangible crevice.
What do we do now? Where do we go from here?
It's been so long since I've sat and thought about this. Seems like days are much simpler when no questions are asked. When someone asks you to define something, define this, it leaves you with a complex bigger than the one you left yesterday;
Some time I will have an answer.
My death sentence, however, leaves no questions, no answers, no desires. Unruly chaos seems to be the vogue i seek, never happy. never pleased.
you still in?

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wooooooooo.

Apr. 24th, 2009 | 02:28 am

Viva Las Vegas?
I think so!

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Just one...

Apr. 6th, 2009 | 04:35 pm


April 4, 2009

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After Grad? Semi?

Apr. 5th, 2009 | 12:00 am

Wooo I will be photoshopping for life!!
Also decided tonight that I do not want to be doing human photography - definitely sticking to horses and pets!! Humans are so hard to ease infront of the camera.
Had lots of fun, though I must say geologists are a strange type of humanity.
Kelsey, congratulations again. So proud of you. <3

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