Comfort me with Cabernet

12 hours away?

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:43:05 GMT

Leaving to the Dominican in the morning.
I <3 you. Sorry I'm so insane. And irrational.

work

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 08:22:54 GMT

Working at Vickies is incredibly intense, but fun, at the same time? It's like the positive stress that you live in, take pleasure in. I am sore as hell the next day, but still good?
Rory has been going incredibly well the last couple days. It's like something clicked with us. Maybe its a good thing that I see him more and interact with him on levels other than riding. It's like when we were longing back at Kyla's, except now it is much closer and he is smart enough to try and get my number every time. But all the ground work has helped and the rides are becoming much more enjoyable. we are very close to breaking through at the trot, but the walk is 100 times better than six weeks ago (we are actually connecting!) and the canter is nearly there, just need to think seat-seat-seat. lol. And rides on Grace are joy! she is so fun, but she is also a little lazy chestnut slightly chubby girl. hehe. And rory's girlfriend Sid is quite cute. Over all, the four outdoor horses are quite funny together.
I love my barn. The horses all feel like one big family, along with the riders. It's really nice and I've really missed that since Colchester. It's hard to find that kind of barn with really good energy.
Real work on the other hand is exhausting me mentally and emotionally. Which is worse, physically or mental? Money or Happiness? I want both!

hermitting/again

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 02:53:47 GMT

So much right now is crazy, yet at the same time a side of me wants belonging. to someone else experiencing this misery, to someone else who perchance would understand?
this accumulation of things pushes me further and further into some sort of created oblivion.
wyndi is in the hospital. i want to do everything i can to make her better. her suffering becomes mirrored and that is when i realize how much money doesn't matter.
i am busting my ass off to the point where i have little left for friends, family and work. i want this though, right? i think also it is at a point where so much is too far gone for me to even fathom walking away. that goes for all commitments, all responsibilities. heaven forbid, you'll end up alone? although that does seem nice.
fly away.
drive away.
be free.
but wait for tommorow.

teext.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 03:41:29 GMT

An open letter of apology.
Tonight, I will go to bed alone.

Driving gives me lots of time to think. Think about what I want, and what you want. While we both want the same things, I have been unfair to you and lying to both of us. I feel as if the ability for me to love again is broken. I love you, I love the idea of you. I love the way you make me feel. But undermining it all, is my resentment. I resent you for trying. For trying to get through, and then giving me signals that shatter any sort of confidence and trust. At the same time, I can feel the beginning of the end and a part of me has admitted to this fate. I am starting to feel reoccuring patterns, and ultimately if I am left alone again, I will blame myself further.

At the same time, I can feel distance between us that we are both pushing for. I haven't given you anything to hold on to and that leaves me even more angry at myself. I think to the extent that our fighting has left us doesn't leave much to go forward with, as any sort of trust that we had, I have rendered it even less standing. Change is a hugely difficult task. Change in fall is an even more inconceivable task.

But where do I go from here?

ha!

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:18:45 GMT

Okay, who was the genious who combined Akon and David Guetta.

Best.

ahem.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:55:34 GMT

What does "buckkkkkk" mean?
Actually, in effect, nothing.
I can't get too deep into youth culture. Except that I definitely no longer belong in it.

For you.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:15:07 GMT

Owning a horse = happiness.
Owning two horses = poverty.
Owning three horses = insanity.
Owning more horses = dire poverty, absolute insanity and utter bliss...

then by all means.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:09:11 GMT

"There is a French proverb: To live happy, live hidden."

Focus.

Wed, 13 May 2009 04:50:29 GMT

"There are many forms of love and affection, some people can spend their whole lives together without knowing each other's names. Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on the wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name.” - Jeanette Winterson.

I struggle with opposing thoughts. Silence when hopeful ears stridently search for a noise. Any noise. Holes in thoughts leave you with incoherent messages from an intangible crevice.
What do we do now? Where do we go from here?
It's been so long since I've sat and thought about this. Seems like days are much simpler when no questions are asked. When someone asks you to define something, define this, it leaves you with a complex bigger than the one you left yesterday;
Some time I will have an answer.
My death sentence, however, leaves no questions, no answers, no desires. Unruly chaos seems to be the vogue i seek, never happy. never pleased.
you still in?

wooooooooo.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 08:29:19 GMT

Viva Las Vegas?
I think so!

Just one...

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:36:20 GMT

April 4, 2009

After Grad? Semi?

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 06:03:03 GMT

Wooo I will be photoshopping for life!!
Also decided tonight that I do not want to be doing human photography - definitely sticking to horses and pets!! Humans are so hard to ease infront of the camera.
Had lots of fun, though I must say geologists are a strange type of humanity.
Kelsey, congratulations again. So proud of you. <3

f*&% this.

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:44:55 GMT

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." - C.S. Lewis

I'm going to be fully honest with myself.
In developing self-awareness, we can begin to see the difference between our wants and our needs. I need you. I want to be happy. I want to be desired. I want to feel passionate again. I don't want the world to know me. At the end of the day, how I feel about myself and the people closest to me are what is most important.

I still love him. I'll never stop loving him. Unfortunately empathy and compassion have replaced most of my prior feelings of desire. How can I not feel that for someone who had half my heart, half my life? Someone who oversaw my growth with acceptance and kindness, and most of all with patience, despite those tumulteous times.

What do you say, when they say that everything happens for a reason? Do you snicker, mumble under your breath. How would anyone know? I guess if one doesn't keep going, keep fighting, they won't ever find out. My misery, at its highest, provided me with daily reminders of how different I am from the world. To have someone by my side, who can see me past that, is a strange sensation I am still getting used to. But maybe there are happy endings?

my two.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:42:25 GMT

Wylye. Wyndi.

simple smile.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 07:05:23 GMT

just letting you know, this is harder than you think.
stubborness doesn't get you very far, neither does overzealousness. at the same time, the rubber band theory is just about as exhausting as a meal at the olive garden.

my life is as exciting as yours.

ahhhhimsa!!

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 23:32:12 GMT

Right livelihood means that work should not only provide a living but also develop selfhood, foster companionship and nourish the earth. If a business makes money but alienates its members from one another, from themselves and from nature, it is a livelihood - but it is not a right livelihood. - Mark Gerzon

studying some eastern philosophies, and i'm very much enjoying it. ;)

new friends from english make me happy. youth care makes me happy. sara and her big butt make me happy. driving audi's make me happy, not so much when other's receive that privilege (ho hum!). horses, horses, horses. my screaming bird and his constant messes, only when followed by scratches behind the orange cheeks. the smell of new leather waiting to be used. youth, when fleeting nights meet careless mornings. free coffee on the way from the lrt. edmonton, only in the summer. balconies, and patio's. wine, wine, and fancy dinner. pleasure in the mind, when accompanied by expressions only the other understands. my mom, and her clean car. her relentless desire for my happiness, at whatever cost. ela's seeming innocence, beauty, art. self-acceptance (underlined!). the smell of baking banana bread. freedom from winter clothing. freedom from suffering. bliss.

tell yourself to let go off whatever hesitancies you are holding. tell yourself to let go off the what if's and the what then's, and just live in the moment. whatever silence you portray to the world only becomes louder with each beating moment. you are you, are you not?

hey nerd.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 02:38:03 GMT

I have a proposal. We live together. Seperately.
arm candy as necessary. ;)

Okay, an absolute change

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:47:43 GMT

I am going to utilyze the productive power of cognitive behavioural theory, or CBT for those of you in the know, and try to change my thinking errors. I realize I do enough counselling for others using this theory, that I should try and apply the principles to myself.
SO! This means my posts will try to be a little bit more upbeat. good? great!
Starting with yesterday. I went to bed at 8:30pm and woke up incredibly refreshed at 7:30am. Perhaps that means I need more sleep in the day in order to feel good, you are thinking.
No! Even better! After EAS201, I went to the gym with Sara and ran for 30 minutes. How wonderful, you think, endorphins is what Anna needs!
Well, it does get even better. After my second class of the day, I get to go home, and do nothing, till I eventually go tanning (Vitamin D! fab!), and then to work to make $200 by tommorow morning (money = commodity!).
You must wonder then, how is Anna ever down? Beats me!

stillness.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:18:00 GMT

when i think of you.
I do smile.

that be them coyote...

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 06:11:08 GMT

I miss driving to Red Deer and back for coffee.

I miss youth. I don't like commitments, besides my horses. ;)

ela

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 06:08:31 GMT

a co ty nato?

A thought.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:22:25 GMT

"Art suffers the moment other people start paying for it. The more you need the money, the more people will tell you what to do. The less control you will have. The more bullshit you will have to swallow. The less joy it will bring. Know this and plan accordingly." - Hugh Macleod

Wednesday night and I am trying to provoke intelligence, and falling largely short of attainment. Tommorow is Thursday and a part of me has drifted into such passiveness, such mode of survival, that tommorow could be any day and I could give you a general idea of what it would look like. feigned happiness, unfulfilled desires, and misery within the seemingly normal body my self resides in.
it's interesting to note that while i do not choose to live this way, somehow this feeling cannot be shaken from me. a large part of me will continuosly always live in doubt, in search of a longing that inevitably will never again be met.
what is a subject position? my position in this very moment, this very second. in short, i am a girl, although 24 years in age who is a student, a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a niece. therefore, because all of the above speak of relationships to another human, does that not mean we are all interconnected? and as humans, interconnectivity binds society. essentially, no matter how deep we fall, how high we climb, or how far off our personal islands drift, we cannot escape each other. moreover, trying to do so only furthers the notion of individualism, the sole destroyer of any high culture. and if i'm feeling this way, is someone else as well?

hmm, i do feel slightly better.

monday monday monday

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:47:01 GMT

these long breaks in between classes are not conducive to good mental health practices. i need to be doing something, either sleeping, working out, or doing schoolwork.
in other words, i seem to be falling off the ladder again and steeping in depressive thoughts. i seem to know the source, yet here i am, masking in normalcy. what is normal? certainly not this feign of existence that i have immersed myself in.
school is good at establishing some notion of regularity, but that is a monday through friday, september through april idea. what does one do 84 weekend days of the year? moreover, isn't that false then to begin with?
i stew in my own thoughts.

and of course

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:53:54 GMT

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hope it's warm, family filled, and you get what you want.

and forget what you're told. that is most important.

now what?

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:22:17 GMT

finished school. term went well. some courses much better than expected, and in those that i deemed too easy for my big girl tastes, well, not so well. and yet, it all comes to an end despite what your original intentions were. we're fated to pretend?
talking yourself into ideas, whether good or bad, eventually talk their way into oblivion, taking logic and reasoning with them. then, as you sit there and ask yourself if anything really matters anymore, you have others living their lives in ignorant bliss. your own continued questioning inevitably leads to failure, as nothing ever pieces itself into that which you desire. your original intentions left behind, blissfully fading before they become fully intangible.
i sit here and question my youth, my desires, my addictions. you. me.